Return to Normalcy

I distinctly remember the first day of Senior year, and how long the path ahead seemed. Now, right before the last week of finals, I realized how short it has been. Time seems to have slipped between my fingers, and all I'm left with is a few memories.

After the rush of it all, the homework, the tests, college applications, I am looking forward to a return to normalcy. As I sit with a friend who has recently returned from college, I feel as though everything is going to be just fine. It always is.

Luck Has Nothing To Do With It

My Dad was walking out the door for a meeting essential to the survival of his company and said, "Wish me luck!" I turned to look at him directly and said "Dad, luck has nothing to do with it."

This seemed to upset him, as it meant the recent falter of his business was essentially his fault. People don't want to take responsibility for their failures and are hesistant to believe they are the true cause of their success. Thus humanity conceived fate, an outside force out of our control, which lessens the burden placed on the shoulders of humanity. If we fail, it is not fully our fault, as there were variables out of our hands.

I have come to turns with the knowledge that fate is an illusion. It skews the reality that we have full control of our lives, and we can predict the future by making it whatever we want. Just as Siddhartha is scared by his sudden awakening, the realization that he is utterly alone in the world, this scared me. To know that my successes and failures were completely my doing is unnerving, I was not previously used to that sort of responsibility. However, now in times of crisis I know that for guidance and success, I need not look up towards the heavens, but within.

A Breath of Fresh Air

While with the Samanas, Siddartha wasn't content with his escapes from "self" as he knew he will always return back, no matter how pure he is while in meditation. This lingering knowledge prevents him from being fully satisfied by his practices and eventually motivates him to seek new teachings. Thus, Herman Hesse presents the dillema of being satisfied with content when struggle is just around the corner.

Over Thanksgiving Break, I have experienced a brief lapse from the struggles of "self" that accompanies school. Although I did not spend my weekend in meditation, I spent it with siblings and friends I had been missing. Fortunately, I didn't think about the work that is looming around the corner, and was able to enjoy myself. This might stop me from becoming enlightened, but I'm thankful for it.

Beauty in the Breakdown

In every great piece of art, it is the complexities that give it depth. Sitting underneath a starry sky, every human is awestruck by the sheer beauty of the universe. However, a scientist sees these freckles of light and knows what lies behind them, the reactions that drive them, can determine what planets surround them, and thus sees much more than suspended lights; they see textbooks, equations, and the complexity that make existence brilliant.
Every Science course I have taken has illuminated a new aspect of the universe that I was once blind to. In AP Biology, I became aware of the beauties and intricacy of life and how it began. Just the fact that helicase is unwinding DNA in my body as I sit to write this, and billions of charges are firing across your neurons as you read this is astounding. In AP Physics, I learned the laws that govern the universe. Just as the rules that govern sonnets make them special, knowing the principles of the cosmos, and being able to see occurrences that align to those principles makes the world that much more extraordinary. Like suddenly switching to color from black and white, I am constantly surprised by everything I wasn’t aware of.
As soon as the world is seen in this new light, it is impossible to be content with ignorance. Thus humanity constantly searches to know, to understand, and to unravel the intricacies that are woven in between what is, what was, and what is to be, making the universe more beautiful every day.

"The Rest Is Silence"

In my studies, there are no seperate sciences; theories apply to the entire universe and all that lies within, not just a specific area of focus. Essentially social science, physical science, and literary studies are all looking at the same thing from different points of view. Thus, a law of physics holds true to interations between people as well. The law of conservation says that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only converted into different forms.

A storm builds and grows until it finally bursts, spilling out all of its intensity on the Earth for a few brief hours. Finally, there is calm, there is silence. The potential energy of the clouds is released as kinetic energy of the rain failling towards the ground, and thermal energy is generated as well. Once the natural course of the world is disrupted as Claudius kills the King, a series of events gets set in motion that cannot be avoided. As the tension builds in the story, energy accumulates within Hamlet's angst, Laertes anger, Ophelias plight, and Cladius' guilt. The energy is released in spurts; Hamlet's play, Laertes duel, Cladius' prayer, and Ophelia's drowning each turn potential energy into kinetic energy, turning thoughts into actions, ultimately resulting in death for each of the characters.

Even though energy does not simply disspear, but passed on to the characters affected and the world altered, there is an end to the struggle that each character faces. For in death, "the rest is silence" (V, ii, 330)

While we discussed Seth Godin's "Dip" in class this week, I immediately thought of my experiences in Elementary School. When I switched from the 2nd grade to the 3rd grade side of my 2/3 split class, I found myself at the low point in the Dip. I had moved from the top of my class to the bottom almost instantly, and found myself struggling to achieve mediocre and low marks. I could have decided to return to my state of comfort and gone back to being in 2nd grade, but decided to stick it out. After a brutal year, I had caught myself up with the rest of the class, and began recieving high marks again from 4th grade on. I had made it through the dip and to the success on the other side.

The only problem I see in the "dip", is its deceptive nature. You can think your in the dip, for weeks, months, or even years, but truly be on the "cliff" or "Cul-de-Sac" route instead. Learning when to quit is something I need to do, especially as my workload increases while the number of hours in the day continues to stay the same.

Son of York

"Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of York,"
(Richard III)



As the solid foundations that I have relied on throughout my life begin to crumble beneath my feet, I have been looking towards a source of salvation. Unfortunately, looking backwards only shows how a mess was made and not how to clean it up, so I have had to look forward. With college on the horizon, my future is entirely in my hands. In the winter of my discontent, I must be the son of York - for only in my success can I ensure I do not fail, and unlike Allen Hawley, I will do so not by cheating, or stealing, but through my own determination and hard work.

Just as Hamlet goes through his own existential crisis of purpose and identity, answering prompts and choosing majors leads the two sides of myself to battle over my identity. Scientist or writer? Numbers or letters? However, I will not let this conflict, this hesitation, be my downfall. Either path I choose, I will not let any opportunity slip through my fingers like sunlight, for it has been a cold and dreary winter and summer is only seven months away.

We Have Nothing to Fear

but fear itself.

Since the beginning of Senior year, I have felt a shift within me. Something soft, something slow, but something deep. A fear has been building within me, uncertainty has clouded my judgment and thoughts. Where has this come from? Why now? School, I know school. People don't fear things they know, they fear things they don't. I have come to realize I am scared of the future. Utterly terrified. I keep working towards an unknown goal, driving down a road with a deep fog ahead of me. How do I know what I'm driving towards is where I want to go? I was told I am heading in the right direction, but there could be a cliff just meters ahead.

My brother often gets frustrated with my lack of confidence. With my academic history and activities, I have as good as a chance as anyone to get into a great college. However, I do not know for sure, and my uncertainty begets fear. Thus, I can empathize with Hamlet's uncertainty and angst, and feel Ethan Hawley's (The Winter of Our Discontent by John Steinbeck) hesitation to strive for success. As these two characters show, it is not the lack of fear which makes humans courageous. It is the willingness to persist in the face of fear, to continue on through the mist.

Nothing Like the Sun

Over the sixteen years of my existence, I have become aware of the human tendency to exaggerate. There is something about human nature that makes us want to portray things as something better than they are. It is difficult for us to accept things as they are, and be content with reality. In Sonnet 130, Shakespeare criticizes this behavior, emphasizing that people should take things as they are, nothing more. Love is a beauty enough itself, and doesn't need to be glorified by hyperboles. Thus the poet who says his mistress' eyes are like the sun doesn't necessarily hold his love in higher regard than Shakespeare who doesn't hold his to any false comparison.

This philosophy applies to aspects of life besides love as well. People who take life as it is, and accept the beauty in it are usually able to be much happier than those who try and set their lives to unattainable standards. Thus, I'll try and be content with life on Earth, even though its nothing like the sun.

I, Being a Senior and Distressed

I, being a Senior and distressed,
By all the commitments and work of my kind,
Am urged by your website to find,
Your campus fair, and feel a certain zest
To bear your course load upon my breast:
So subtly is the application of yours designed,
To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind,
And leave me once again undone, possessed.
Think not for this, however, the poor treason,
Of my stout blood against my staggering brain,
I shall attempt you with fear, or season
My insecurity with doubt - let me make it plan:
I find this frenzy insufficient reason
For hesitancy when we meet again.

Swinging in the Mist

As I have progressed through my various levels of education, I have noticed a definite shift in the last few years. While I once learned solid facts, now I am being taught the skill of trapping abstract ideas and applying them. As we are focusing on law, justice, leadership, and morality, all of these subjects seem increasingly abstract. Completely wrapping my head around one subject seems nearly impossible, as situations are presented which contradict each other entirely. It takes a human mind, the human spirit perhaps, to decipher each situation.

Oedipus and Creon do what they believe is right for society and the protection of their people. It is only for their lapses in judgment and emotional undercurrents that sway their decision that ends up being their downfall.

This presents the question, can we blame a leader for being human?
In economics, we have learned the most typical answer for difficult questions such as these is as simple as, it depends. Oedipus has the gods working against him from before his conception, while Creon crafts his own downfall through his actions. Is one leader better than the other? Perhaps. One may try and answer this question, but they are truly swinging in the mist, looking for something solid through the philosophical concepts that we focus on.

An Eternal Search

This week focused on Law, and featured an attempt to define and relate law to society and ourselves. With moral, civil, and religious law all existing at once, it proved impossible to come up with a single set or definition of the law. After reading "Before the Law", I realized that it is impossible to truly know what is right. One can follow law to the letter, and still not be sure of the morality of their actions. Do United States interrogators feel immoral water boarding prisoners, even though our government deems it legal?



As I grow and evolve as a person, my idea of what is right is constantly shifting and changing. Trying to pinpoint who I am and what my own moral laws are leaves me feeling lost and bewildered. Therefore, in order to avoid the fate of the narrator in "Before the Law" I must not strive to attain perfection and attempt to get past the gatekeeper I create in my mind, instead I should accept the ambiguous nature of the Law and make decisions as they are presented to me. I am the ultimate decider of what is wrong and right in my mind, and although societal laws influence my decision-making process, I must ultimately look to myself for the answer. My quest of truth and what is right will last my entire life, just like the narrator in the parable, however I hope I will not be as alone and insatiable as he.

You Can't Fight Fate

There are those who believe a person's destiny is set in stone, that their fate has been predestined by some higher power. Despite this beliefs preserverance throughout history and different societies, it is truly just an ideology created by man to let himself have an excuse for the way his life turns out. If there was a fate, and it is carved in stone, it is not carved by a God, but rather by men. The combined actions of all people, or all concious beings capable of free will set the course for all future events. In Grapes of Wraith, the Great Depression and the dust bowl were not events that had to happen in some higher power's eyes, however they were caused by acts of man. It was the farmers who drained the life from the topsoil and didn't guard their plantations from the wind who helped lead to the Dust Bowl, and it was the risky lending practices held by bankers and investors that helped lead to the Great Depression. One would like to believe that man has no personable responsibility for those actions, but that is simply not true. Although there are such things as coincidence, a random occuring of events that seem unexplainable, our entire existence is a coincidence.

Now while looking towards my future, I hold my own fate in my hands. My actions this year, and over my entire life, will decide where I go to college, what I major in, where I live, who I marry, and possibly even how I die. Knowing that there is no puppetmaster making decisions for me, I am empowered to make the best use of this year to start engraving the fate of my own choosing in stone. Although I know there will be unpredictable events that will throw my path off course, I know I won't go anywhere unless I point myself in the right direction.

My Personal Quest

Thomas C. Foster defines certain rules that pertain to literature in How to Read Literature like a Professor . One of the most important ideas illustrated is that every trip is a quest, no matter how big or how small. While reading Grapes of Wraith, it is obvious that the Jones' expedition on Highway 66 to California is a quest with its own struggles and a goal to achieve. Currently, my family is remodeling our house so we can put in on the market. Due to the forced nature of the situation with litte other options at hand, it has been increasingly difficult and frustrating to deal with. We were able to stay with a generous family friend for a few days while our floors were being redone, and now our house is little more than empty rooms. Although we haven't technically left our house yet, I realize now that this journey is a quest. It has had its own trials and tribulations, with more to come, and our goal sometimes seems farther away every day.
While defining literature this week, I realized it was a study of not just reading and writing, but a study of humanity. I see Grapes of Wraith more than a window into insight about what it means to be human, but as a mirror I see myself in. I can see myself in Granpa, and his attatchment to his land, as I have lived in my house my entire sixteen years of existence, and I hope to be as strong as Al, who rises to the occasion to ensure the Joads' truck makes the journey.With so much on my plate this year, and my own families quest at hand, I hope for the best for the Joad family as I continue my way through the novel, for if they fail it will be difficult to have hope for myself.

I'd Prefer Not To

"Theren't no sin and there ain't no virtue. There's just stuff people do. It's all part of the same thing." - Grapes of Wraith

While reading Bartleby, The Scrivener, I remembered a thought I had 9 years ago during the third grade. I felt my teacher was treating me unfairly, and when faced with adversary I immediately felt like giving up. I wondered how my teacher would react if I responded "No." to any request she asked of me. How would she react in the face of a defiant 8 year old? I knew I would be sent to the principals office, but how could she force me to go if I refused? Fortunately, I decided not to follow up on my plan, but I saw a bit of myself in Bartleby as he refused the Lawyers requests. It solidified the vague idea in my mind that no one can make anyone do anything else. Every individual is fully in control of how they react in every situation, and have full control of where they take their lives, even if they choose not to do anything. With my senior year starting up, and college applications steadily approaching, I am taking every opportunity to boost my application to gain a competitive edge over my peers. Fortunately, I have realized my eyes are often bigger than my stomach, and I have limited my activities as there are only 24 hours in a day. However, many of my peers have not yet realized this fact, and have decided to accept every opportunity presented to them, even if they would rather not. So even though Bartleby's phrase ended up being his downfall, I know that it will also be some over-achieving seniors savior as well.

Impact

When asked to come up with our own definition of Literature, at first I had no idea how to put such an elusive concept into concrete words. After debating what literature means to me, I suddenly had an epiphany. Literature, rather than other types of reading, leaves an impact on me. Therefore I came up with this definition, "Literature is a piece of writing that leaves a lasting impact on the reader and society and influences the canon of literature as a whole." I may not necessarily remember every detail of the plot or the name of every character, but I will always remember how the piece of literature changed, even in the slightest, my view of the world.

Now looking at the class AP Literature, I think that it will have a lasting impact on me as I venture into the "real world" of life beyond High School. I may not remember what we did on a day to day basis, or certain assignments, but I will always remember how it changed the way I view the world.

First Week Reflection

When I thought of AP Literature this summer, I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it would be an interesting, engaging, yet extremely difficult class. So far it has proved to be interesting and engaging...yet I will not truly know how difficult it is until I get my summer reading essay back.

In my experience, AP teachers usually start of the year by intimidating students into dropping the class or into scaring them to do the work. It was refreshing this year to come into a classroom filled with positive support. I am looking forwards to really getting started and delving into the world of literature.

The Wanderer

On our initial day of AP English Lit, we were introduced to our first metaphor of the year. "The Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog" was presented as a metaphor of us, standing looking over our future of senior year, and past that into college and professional life. We can make out some general ideas of our future under the mist, but the details, and the majority of the events are unknown, skewed, or out of reach. Our path to the top was long and treacherous, and now as we look towards our future we see how much farther we have to go. Although none of us were as confident as the wanderer pictured above, I'm sure we have similar thoughts as a vast world of opportunity awaits.